Torn

I love what I do.

I am absolutely positively in love with what I do. I have prayed and I know I am doing what I am supposed to do.

Yet, for the first time in my 4 years of teaching, I am not looking forward to starting a new school year. I have spent the summer with my son, and marveled at seeing the changes in him each day. I have seen my daughter go from a 3 month old to a 6 month old and there is no small amount of change in her! Elena is almost crawling and I am so scared her first real crawling experience will be away from me. I am afraid of missing when Jeffrey Really starts talking. I love my babies, I love their unique personalities and interests. I love looking over at Elena, and seeing her face burst into a smile when she sees Me looking at her. When she smiles, it makes me want to cry with how much I love her. I love when my son who never stays still, runs up and wants a spontaneous kiss before he runs off to play.

But I do not have peace about quitting my job to just stay at home with my children, no matter how much I long for it. I know God will supply all of our needs if I did decide to quit, and I think a stay at home mom has a blessed opportunity to be with her children. But I KNOW that being a teacher is what I am supposed to do and where I am supposed to be.

I am still angry about a dear friend who basically said I was sinning because I was choosing to work. Like I was putting it over the well being of my family. This person's belief is that a woman, once she has children should only be a stay at home mother. If a woman wants a career, they should not have kids. I thought at the time.. Screw you! who do you think you are judging what is best for me and my family? Who are you to say what God has impressed upon my heart on what is best for us? I am absolutely in love with my children, and they need to see a mother who is obedient to God's calling in her life. They need to know I love them and I love my Savior. They need to know I have a passion for them, and for teaching children about God. They need to see someone following their calling.

Ok. So in just writing all this out, I am feeling better. Reminding myself that while I will probably cry when I drop them off at daycare next week, they are in God's hands. I may miss a few things now, but when they come and join my in a few years... I will get to see them constantly for the next 12 years of their life. They will probably get sick of being "Mrs. Hamilton's kid". They won't be able to get away with anything!

He loves them, he loves me, and I will rest in this blessed assurance.